Another update ....

Jasmine, Aimee, Anya, Luda, Clair & Haley Ice Skating I have not been updating very often. I really figured not very many were interested but I guess I was wrong as I have had several requests for updates. For instance we have some new friends at church Roger and Carol who are still considering adoption from Ukraine and they really want to know what life is like once the kids get home and real life sets in. I know there are also some who want Matt to update, because he is so much more entertaining in his writing than I am, I have put in the request to him, so maybe he will also write soon UPS Christmas season is almost over, Yeah! and he should have more time soon. So for those of you that have asked and want to know here goes: In five days it will be two months since we came home. We are still trying to figure out how to parent a child who has no idea how to be parented in a normal sense of the term. This is not an easy task, most days I am completely worn out by the end of the day. It is not easy for Anya either, one of her favorite phrases is "I'm Tired" this means she is not physically tired, but tired of just trying to live and keep up with her emotions. Her past experience with parents has been so highly dysfunctional that she really has no clue what normal looks like. Everyday normal relationships are just odd to her, she often reacts like a fish out of water and has no idea what to do with herself. She fully expects me to be angry at her for everything and hit her when I am angry. Of course this is not what happens, and it actually makes her uncomfortable for it not to happen. So at times she tries really hard to make me angry, and insists that I am angry and hate her despite repeated reassurances that I am Not angry and do not hate her and indeed do Love her! But "we are making progress", and thanks to this being one of the favorite phrases of our wonderful therapist, Anya now has learned this phrase also. She can at time recognize when she has done something well, and different and she will tell me : "That's Progress". I love it when ever anything positive comes out of her mouth, we are working on changing her general negative attitude to a more positive outlook on life. This is hard for her, she has very low self image and has very little confidence in herself or this concept of family. Saturday we spent the day with her friend Luda who has been so wonderful in helping Anya with this adjustment period and reassuring her that yes, these strange things these strange parents are doing for you is "Normal". Luda is 16 and has been home for over 2 and a half years now, she was adopted from Ukraine also when she was 14. So Anya trusts Luda more than she does Matt or I, because she knows that Luda has been in her shoes and has been successful in learning to live in an American family. So Saturday we picked up Luda and she came along with Anya, Matt, Myself, Jasmine, Haley and Haley's Friend Clair and we spent the day shopping at Flat Irons Mall and Ice Skating at the Promenade in Westminster. Matt did not skate for fear of injuring the ankle again, so he took the photo above from behind the glass, sorry it is kind hard to see from the glare. Anyway Anya has only skated twice, first time was with Luda just before Thanksgiving. Despite the fact that Anya can barely skate, she insists that she can jump in the air and do a little twist, She can NOT! Anya spent more time falling than she did skating. She is determined I will give her that, but not too smart, if you fall and it hurts, Stop doing it! Anyway it was fun and we had a lot of laughs. Anya is full of bruises on the knees, elbows, arms, back. She hit the ice with every part of her body except, Thank God, the head. Anya loves Chinese food, most of all Panda Express Orange Chicken. So we had to eat there when we were at the mall Saturday. I had a funny conversation with Anya on another day when we had gone to Panda Express to get some food. She made this observation, that reminded me of how immature she really is, and again made me so thankful that we did adopt her before she aged out of the system, at times we think she is about 10 years old emotionally. Anyhow it was very busy this night and she says to me" Lots of people like Chinese Food" I replied "yes, it is popular here". Anya replies "Lots of people need work here". "Yes they do", is my response. Anya then tells me "Mom I will work at Panda when I am adult". I had to laugh out loud. And then of course follow this up with the whole conversation about going to high school, going to college, having many more choices in life, bla, bla, bla. She has no idea that working at a fast food chain is not the first choice for people here in America. Anya has so much to learn and so many skills to acquire before she is ready to be able to take care of herself, thank God she is not having to do this and God gave her a family to help her, she would be so vulnerable in the real world. Back to Saturday with Luda. At the end of the evening as we are driving Luda home, there is a very serious and intense conversation taking place in the back seat, in Russian of course. As to which I only understand a few choice phrases, I hear Anya saying over and over " I don't want to" When we arrive at Luda's she asks to speak to me for a minute to tell me something for Anya. Turns out the I don't want to was in response to Luda encouraging her to tell me this herself, but Anya did agree to let Luda speak on her behalf to me. Anya has been crying herself to sleep at night. This I knew, but as to why she never could or would tell. Luda explains that Anya is convinced that she is a difficult child, and that we will not be able to keep her and that she will be placed into a "home" for these difficult children very soon. She has heard of these "homes" from other orphans, and she just knows that is what will happen. You see with all her past losses and abandonment she just has no concept of parents, and family life and love. It is so sad. I of course again assure Anya that this is Not going to happen, and we hug. She cries for a brief moment, then pushes away and tells me, "I fine" "No Mom" "I fine". Time is the only thing that can heal this I am afraid, time and being consistent in our reactions to her. She has to test this, and she does, and it has become the new phase to me over the past few days. "You hate me, I difficult, maybe you mistake in adopting me, I go to home" I have read it takes about two years for kids who have had multiple placements and losses to really adjust. Luda is a shining light of hope for me. She is doing so well, motivated and setting and reaching all of her goals. I am so thankful that Anya has her to turn to someone who not only speaks her language and has similar experiences, but is a teenager herself who shares the same normal teenage girl drama and fears that make up part of Anya's issues. Anya is very immature and when she gets over stimulated and excited, she gets very silly and obnoxious, and at times down right annoying in her mannerisms. Luda is very patient, loving and clam with her. Even in public places like the Mall, she never acts too cool to be Anya's Friend. I really appreciate that, because it is rare for teenagers to be this way. Thank you Barbara for sharing her with us, you have done a great job with her. I am trying to think of what else has happened since I last wrote. There has been so much. I guess English classes at School and Soccer. Anya has been, up until this week attending ESL English and Literature classes at her high school for a few hours a day. She is doing so great. Anya just adores her teacher Mrs. Moody. She loves going to school, and tells me all the kids are very nice to her. She has made a few friends in the English class. She emails with these girls and showed me their pictures on her camera which she took to school with her one day. Most of the kids in her class are from Mexico, and there are two from Cambodia. But Mrs. Moody made her feel very welcomed, she got a Ukrainian flag for the class room, Russian /English dictionaries, and made a poster all about life in Ukraine to display on the wall. We had a meeting with Mrs. Moody and the head of ESL dept Linda last week to get Anya's schedule for January and she showed Anya all around the school where all her new classes will be. Mrs Moody really gets Anya and told her if she ever feels scared or lost during her day that she can come and find her. She also gave Anya a valuable tool, a little notebook to carry with her to the other classes. It has sections labeled Thoughts ,Questions and new words . She explained to Anya that if she is in class and has things she thinks about or is confused or scared about or does not understand to write them in her notebook in Russian or English then to ask her or me for help later. She told her also if she has things to say, but can not say them because the teacher is talking or kids are working and it is time to be quiet, then she also can write them in her notebook. I am so thankful that this teacher is so in touch with her students, and goes out of her way to meet their special needs. Anya does about 90% of her homework by herself, then comes to me when she needs help with the rest of it. I am very proud of her English and how much she is learning already from these classes. Before the break Anya had a test in the English class, and got an 84% after just two weeks of classes. Matt and I told her that was wonderful and that we were very proud of her. Anya choose to focus on the questions that she did wrong, and called herself stupid. Again it is going to take time for her to be OK with herself. We enrolled Anya in Soccer. It is a spring sport at her school, so she will not officially start the practices for the school team until February. For now she goes once per week on Wednesday evenings for two hours to practice/scrimmage games at the school. This is a off season thing that is co-ed and taught by the girls soccer coach. The first night was rough, she told me she hated it and would never go back. But she did go back and many of the girls remembered her name and were very nice to welcome her, this made Anya happy. And the coaches were very encouraging and made it very clear to Anya it is just for fun and not to be afraid to make mistakes. Anya is now over the intimidation of playing with boys and so many new faces. Last week she very proudly showed me her bruised knee and told me she pushed the boy down and got the ball! I knew she had it in her! I am looking forward to January when she starts school full time and February when she will also start daily soccer practices. The more "normal" kids stuff she can do the better. It is hard for Anya to have free time, and to have to figure out what to do with that time on her own. I know I have read over and over in the adoption books about the importance of structure, and believe me it is so true! I really take for granted with my kids being old enough to entertain them selves, and I forget at times Anya has no clue how to do this. I figured out that I literally had to write her a list of things that she can do when she is bored, so she has a reference to consult when she finds herself with time to fill. It is kind of like parenting a toddler again, having to give them ideas and choices or else they are all over the place and into everything they should not be into. So one day I sat down and wrote this list with very basic things such as read a book, ride your bike, Play a video game, practice soccer. It went on and I ended up with about 40 simple things that are normal for girls her age to do when they are bored. and she uses this list often, it may sound very silly to you that have not been in this situation, but she really needed it. It keeps her from pouting, and whining, and wallowing in self pity and attempting to irritate me or her papa to the point where we have to make her stop, so this would give her a reason to be angry. This had become one of her favorite things to do when she would get bored, so she could storm off to her room and be mad, I think because she did not know what else to do. So now when I sense this starting to happen and her going down this path, I can say Anya you seem bored, go look at the list and choose something to do. 8 out of 10 times this works, and she ends up doing something she enjoys rather than making up reasons to argue with me and be mad. All the girls have been very excited about Christmas. Jasmine who's one of hers love language is gift giving, showed Anya the ropes. They have spent lots of time shopping for everyone, and Anya is so excited to give the gifts. Matt and I both have already had a few pre-Christmas gifts because she just could not wait anymore. They made gingerbread men the other night, and this was a first for Anya. She loved it. It was just like watching a small child, all goofy and silly, and messy frosting and sprinkles everywhere. This is what Matt & I refer to as "happy Bubbles" all of our girls have a way of expressing the "happy bubbles" those moments when they forget that they are teenagers, and too cool to have fun doing kids things, and they let the guard down and the "happy bubbles" flow. Taylor's are my favorite, she busts out in a sort of yodeling/opera voice and sings silly tunes while skipping thru the kitchen. Her "happy Bubbles moments are rare lately, because she has gotten way too cool, and at the moments is so cool that she won't even come to visit. We hope that one day she will let go of all her anger and need to grow up so fast and just be a kid before she not a kid anymore, but that is a whole other blog. Trusting God will work it out. As for Anya's "happy Bubbles" We now refer to hers as "Ukrainian Happy Bubbles" because they often do include some Ukrainian words, mixed with English words, and lots of over the top loud laughing at herself. These are the times that we strive for, when Anya feels secure enough to let her guard down allow her self to have fun and be a kid . I can only imagine how little of these times she had when she was really a small child. We are working hard to build up happy memories for her. Anya has not had many good memories from her childhood, in one of our "Anya therapy conversations" ( these are not in therapy, but at home, in front of the computer, with the help of the google translator when needed, when Anya opens up and shares with me parts of her past and who she is for real, these normally include tears from both her and I and a few times of Anya exiting the room to go slam her bedroom, then returning to hug me, and they last for one or two hours, and we both are exhausted afterward) she shared with me that the only happy memory she has of her mother was once when she was 6 mom made her a birthday cake. Other than that she remembers, mom working, sleeping, drinking until she slept, or mom yelling at her, hitting her, or throwing something at her. My goal is to help her in the next few years have more fun, and have stories of fun things she did as a child to share with her own children one day. I think I have rambled on long enough. I am sure we will have many stories to share after the first Christmas with her. I hope all of you have a great time with your families celebrating our saviours birth. One of us will update again after that.