"Asherah Poles"!

Anya has made SOME progress in age appropriate behavior, not a lot. It is a daily battle/discussion to get her to recognize this and be able to incorporate it into her growth patterns. We played a Monopoly game 2 nights ago and her behavior was nothing short of that of a toddler, within hours she was 16 again. I think that, according to her needs (albeit, selfish) at the time, she acts a certain age to advance her agenda. It's a good thing I never do/did that!! It is especially highlighted when you have your own kids around acting, for the most part, age appropriate or, at times, more mature than some stupid adult in the house. I'm in the process of reading through the Bible in a year. This will be the 2nd or 3rd time. Currently I'm about 5 weeks behind ("I just couldn't find the time, blah, blah, blah, wah, wah, wah..!!!), the OT is dripping with references to "Idol Worship" and all the forms that takes. Everything from actual wooden, iron, metal or stone objects or conditions of the heart and attitudes towards the Lord. All throughout I& II Kings and repeated throughout I & II Chronicles there are literally dozens, if not hundreds of references to "Asherah Poles", etc...For years I have struggled with seeing this in other people as well as myself and am being increasingly alarmed at what form our own personal idols take. It's nothing short of discouraging and embarrassing, especially from a personal stand-point. I have a lot to say about this, but right now, 1st day of school and I'm riding my bike to work so I can further destroy my already cartilage free knees. One more thing: I'm going to go under 190lbs. for the 1st time in a year, since Ukraine. I came home from there weighing about 225lbs-way too much "Verinky" and chocolate. That's all I did in that stupid place; walk to eat, eat to walk...also, customers are NOT always right (whoever came up with that is just ignorant to human nature), customers ARE always SELFISH, and I've just about had it with them. They see my uniform as a free pass to complain and subordinate! "Shut up and sign, already!!

ARRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

As mentioned earlier; I've thought about starting a new blog just to say it how it REALLY is! I think I'm going to call it, "HAR DON: The Male Perspective". Although, after getting a water bottle thrown at me a little over an hour a ago after making what, at the time, was the obvious "male" thing to say, I'm not sure Aimee would agree. But I'm right-I'm the King! I have the official Ukrainian Scepter from Kiev to prove it; thanks to our exchange student, Sofiya. Scepter=King............right...............that's right. Maybe some day I'll blog about all the various food items I've had on my head at one point or another. Anya and I had a real, "heart-to-heart" tonight about acting 16 and not 5. She really struggles with that. Orphanage rearing really doesn't allow a child to mature as they should. She's paranoid to make a decision-that'll change. Oh, and Felix: the $969.oo/month award my "ex" received is also, not enough. The family courts are an absolute joke. Judges and Magistrates have almost no ability to exercise common sense, justice, fairness or any other sound judgement, especially in the family courts, and this stems from the same government that wants to run our health care-YIKES! If you really want to feel the "pain" of government involvement, take the frustration and annoyance you experience at the local DMV or other government run entity or program and transfer that to waiting in a doctor's office when you feel like hell or need care right now-some things are so obvious I cannot tolerate people who hide stupid, irrational, self-serving positions or opinions under a glaze of whats best for those less fortunate, like people who won't work because they're too busy making love to their "X-BOX" all day long, etc...I've actually seen my "ex" scare away fire breathing dragons. Anya made the "C" volleyball team at her school. Totally cool. The last time she really played volleyball I think the ball exploded on the concrete play ground at the orphanage in Mariupol, next thing we knew, Russia invaded Georgia and S. Ossettia! :) Could Bill Maher be any more of an idiot? He's exactly the "...mocker.." described throughout Proverbs. By the way; that's a book in the Bible. For those Christians who don't really have a clue that God meant it when He said we should read it every day but, "Ohhhh, I just can't find the time..." (shut the hell up!!!), it's near the middle of the Bible, not far from I & II Opinions and I, II & III Excuses. I deliver packages for "THEE" largest delivery company in the world: for those of you too lazy to use your signal-KNOCK IT OFF! Put the phone down, get the XXXLarge Slurpee out of your face and the stupid dog off your lap and drive like yours or someone else's life depended on it, because it does. And is it just me or should mini-vans come with a life-time supply of Prozac? Later...

Starting back up.

I'm doing this mostly for me! I have a "saved" post from Super Bowl Sunday that I started and never finished, mostly because once I get going it's hard for me to stop and I get exhausted from typing. But WAAAAYYY too much has happened and continues to happen to not "Blog" about it anymore-not that anyone will read this because as stated: it's mostly for me to put down in writing all the non-sense that goes on in the adoption process and even more that happens when you get home. Our lives really are nothing short of chaos, and with all the relational, political, religious and manipulative horseshi_ that goes on, I can't keep it in any more; it's therapy! Among the adoption of Anya, we've had two foreign exchange students: a 16 year old girl from Germany, Laura who was great and presently, a wonderful 16 year old girl from western Ukraine who Anya is thoroughly enjoying, Sofiya. We've had Eriko, a 16 year old girl from Japan for three weeks and Pauline, a 16 year old girl from France for a month! As stated: CHAOS!!!! Some, like myself, may call it an addiction of hospitality that my lovely wife, Aimee, has. Did I mention Aimee is HOT, HOT, HOT!!! It's like living with a centerfold-I love it! If any one is reading this for the first time, you may be offended or will be in shock that I will write and say some of the things I do. I believe it is the only way to express myself: everyone, especially men, think these thoughts but find, maybe a more delicate way of expressing them. I believe in the, "Truth In Advertising" principal. It may become prudent of me to start my own "Blog" page, so as not to taint the adoption process or publicly humiliate my wife. This will probably happen as I have so many "real" thoughts on marriage, adoption, parenting, manhood (especially manhood and being a christian). The last intense conversation I had with a confrontational non-believer ended with, "...you're f___ing with the wrong christian..."! I rarely, if ever default to that sort of banter, but at the moment it may have been the only discourse this moron understood. One thing about me: I have raging testoserone and love the Lord, sometimes the two blend in a less than desirable outcome. Adoption, whether locally or globally, I believe it is THEE single most relationally exhausting and rewarding activity a christian can become involved in. Nothing is closer to the heart of God because it is exactly what he does for us and has woven his plan through history (which, by the way, is NOT billions, millions or even tens of thousands of years in the making-it is closer to 9-11 thousand, the other numbers are pure scientific crap, laying the foundation for numerous inaccurate, unsupported scientific and philosophical positions). Anya just rammed through the front door after her 1st day of volleyball tryouts. I believe she is trying to make it appear as though she just walked across Siberia, barefoot in the winter-give me a break! People: you want "drama" in your life? Give birth to a teen-age female from Ukraine. Oh, and the wife just started doing day care again. There are two 11 month olds downstairs in high chairs throwing some sort of ravioli all over the place; mostly their hair. Good thing Anya, Sofiya and our 13 year old, Haley are downstairs to clean up. Oh, and there is a 16 year old girl from Germany in our other 16 year old girls bedroom who is going home to Germany after 2 weeks because she hates it here-she leaves later this week, in the meantime, she gets to stay with us because the always lovely Aimee is also a coordinator for exchange students-she placed this one. They have to stay with the coordinator until their flight home. Wow!! There is so much to write about. I told Aimee yesterday that I appreciated her providing me with a constant source of material to poke fun at. Did I mention she's HOT?!!! Did you know that when you do "spell check" on foul language it not only doesn't recognize it, it won't allow you to "add" it to your dictionary-that is really irritating!! Later...

"Snuggle" !$#%$^%&

Felix-"SILENCE!!! I Keel you!!

It's about time!!!

At the airport getting Laura

Girls on Christmas morning

I've received numerous requests and "jabs" to post again. It's hard to get started doing this because I have so much to say that once I get started, I really start "ranting and raving" about a myriad of things, like: oh, I don't know, like maybe if I see the always lovely Anya "Storm Troopering" around the house, almost putting her feet through floor, yelling and dramatizing beyond belief, that maybe I'll just have to take a Ukrainian Voodoo doll and completely and totally bludgeon it beyond recognition!! She looked so nice in that going-away party dress back in Mariupol...what a magical moment, now, not so much. Oh, and did I mention that teen-age Ukrainian girls know everything about everything even more than American teen-age girls!!! and there's four of them running around the house. It gets better: we have a lovely 16 year old female German foreign exchange student with us for the next five months, so now, we have potentially, a re-enactment of WWII when it comes to shower time or use of the ONE bathroom for all four of them. This blows...more later. Did I mention that I totally hate the words; "cuddle" and "snuggle"? I almost fell down the stairs tonight from over-load when I was being yelled at in Russian while listening to Laura speaking German on Skype and another one singing opera on the main level. I could literally feel my vertigo failing me, it was only my cat-like reflexes that prevented me from immanent doom. By the way, I have the best friends in the world with the Roge's, Barrett's, Houghtons, Volfs, Stoez's, Weston's, Carlson's, etc. (and others I'm totally offending by not mentioning) right here in town. Last thing: if you've been to Ukraine, rent the movie, "Everything Is Illuminated", it takes place in Ukraine, it's a bit strange, but you'll get a kick out of it. Really, the last thing: my wife is STUNNING-thank you, Lord!! :)

Another update ....

Jasmine, Aimee, Anya, Luda, Clair & Haley Ice Skating I have not been updating very often. I really figured not very many were interested but I guess I was wrong as I have had several requests for updates. For instance we have some new friends at church Roger and Carol who are still considering adoption from Ukraine and they really want to know what life is like once the kids get home and real life sets in. I know there are also some who want Matt to update, because he is so much more entertaining in his writing than I am, I have put in the request to him, so maybe he will also write soon UPS Christmas season is almost over, Yeah! and he should have more time soon. So for those of you that have asked and want to know here goes: In five days it will be two months since we came home. We are still trying to figure out how to parent a child who has no idea how to be parented in a normal sense of the term. This is not an easy task, most days I am completely worn out by the end of the day. It is not easy for Anya either, one of her favorite phrases is "I'm Tired" this means she is not physically tired, but tired of just trying to live and keep up with her emotions. Her past experience with parents has been so highly dysfunctional that she really has no clue what normal looks like. Everyday normal relationships are just odd to her, she often reacts like a fish out of water and has no idea what to do with herself. She fully expects me to be angry at her for everything and hit her when I am angry. Of course this is not what happens, and it actually makes her uncomfortable for it not to happen. So at times she tries really hard to make me angry, and insists that I am angry and hate her despite repeated reassurances that I am Not angry and do not hate her and indeed do Love her! But "we are making progress", and thanks to this being one of the favorite phrases of our wonderful therapist, Anya now has learned this phrase also. She can at time recognize when she has done something well, and different and she will tell me : "That's Progress". I love it when ever anything positive comes out of her mouth, we are working on changing her general negative attitude to a more positive outlook on life. This is hard for her, she has very low self image and has very little confidence in herself or this concept of family. Saturday we spent the day with her friend Luda who has been so wonderful in helping Anya with this adjustment period and reassuring her that yes, these strange things these strange parents are doing for you is "Normal". Luda is 16 and has been home for over 2 and a half years now, she was adopted from Ukraine also when she was 14. So Anya trusts Luda more than she does Matt or I, because she knows that Luda has been in her shoes and has been successful in learning to live in an American family. So Saturday we picked up Luda and she came along with Anya, Matt, Myself, Jasmine, Haley and Haley's Friend Clair and we spent the day shopping at Flat Irons Mall and Ice Skating at the Promenade in Westminster. Matt did not skate for fear of injuring the ankle again, so he took the photo above from behind the glass, sorry it is kind hard to see from the glare. Anyway Anya has only skated twice, first time was with Luda just before Thanksgiving. Despite the fact that Anya can barely skate, she insists that she can jump in the air and do a little twist, She can NOT! Anya spent more time falling than she did skating. She is determined I will give her that, but not too smart, if you fall and it hurts, Stop doing it! Anyway it was fun and we had a lot of laughs. Anya is full of bruises on the knees, elbows, arms, back. She hit the ice with every part of her body except, Thank God, the head. Anya loves Chinese food, most of all Panda Express Orange Chicken. So we had to eat there when we were at the mall Saturday. I had a funny conversation with Anya on another day when we had gone to Panda Express to get some food. She made this observation, that reminded me of how immature she really is, and again made me so thankful that we did adopt her before she aged out of the system, at times we think she is about 10 years old emotionally. Anyhow it was very busy this night and she says to me" Lots of people like Chinese Food" I replied "yes, it is popular here". Anya replies "Lots of people need work here". "Yes they do", is my response. Anya then tells me "Mom I will work at Panda when I am adult". I had to laugh out loud. And then of course follow this up with the whole conversation about going to high school, going to college, having many more choices in life, bla, bla, bla. She has no idea that working at a fast food chain is not the first choice for people here in America. Anya has so much to learn and so many skills to acquire before she is ready to be able to take care of herself, thank God she is not having to do this and God gave her a family to help her, she would be so vulnerable in the real world. Back to Saturday with Luda. At the end of the evening as we are driving Luda home, there is a very serious and intense conversation taking place in the back seat, in Russian of course. As to which I only understand a few choice phrases, I hear Anya saying over and over " I don't want to" When we arrive at Luda's she asks to speak to me for a minute to tell me something for Anya. Turns out the I don't want to was in response to Luda encouraging her to tell me this herself, but Anya did agree to let Luda speak on her behalf to me. Anya has been crying herself to sleep at night. This I knew, but as to why she never could or would tell. Luda explains that Anya is convinced that she is a difficult child, and that we will not be able to keep her and that she will be placed into a "home" for these difficult children very soon. She has heard of these "homes" from other orphans, and she just knows that is what will happen. You see with all her past losses and abandonment she just has no concept of parents, and family life and love. It is so sad. I of course again assure Anya that this is Not going to happen, and we hug. She cries for a brief moment, then pushes away and tells me, "I fine" "No Mom" "I fine". Time is the only thing that can heal this I am afraid, time and being consistent in our reactions to her. She has to test this, and she does, and it has become the new phase to me over the past few days. "You hate me, I difficult, maybe you mistake in adopting me, I go to home" I have read it takes about two years for kids who have had multiple placements and losses to really adjust. Luda is a shining light of hope for me. She is doing so well, motivated and setting and reaching all of her goals. I am so thankful that Anya has her to turn to someone who not only speaks her language and has similar experiences, but is a teenager herself who shares the same normal teenage girl drama and fears that make up part of Anya's issues. Anya is very immature and when she gets over stimulated and excited, she gets very silly and obnoxious, and at times down right annoying in her mannerisms. Luda is very patient, loving and clam with her. Even in public places like the Mall, she never acts too cool to be Anya's Friend. I really appreciate that, because it is rare for teenagers to be this way. Thank you Barbara for sharing her with us, you have done a great job with her. I am trying to think of what else has happened since I last wrote. There has been so much. I guess English classes at School and Soccer. Anya has been, up until this week attending ESL English and Literature classes at her high school for a few hours a day. She is doing so great. Anya just adores her teacher Mrs. Moody. She loves going to school, and tells me all the kids are very nice to her. She has made a few friends in the English class. She emails with these girls and showed me their pictures on her camera which she took to school with her one day. Most of the kids in her class are from Mexico, and there are two from Cambodia. But Mrs. Moody made her feel very welcomed, she got a Ukrainian flag for the class room, Russian /English dictionaries, and made a poster all about life in Ukraine to display on the wall. We had a meeting with Mrs. Moody and the head of ESL dept Linda last week to get Anya's schedule for January and she showed Anya all around the school where all her new classes will be. Mrs Moody really gets Anya and told her if she ever feels scared or lost during her day that she can come and find her. She also gave Anya a valuable tool, a little notebook to carry with her to the other classes. It has sections labeled Thoughts ,Questions and new words . She explained to Anya that if she is in class and has things she thinks about or is confused or scared about or does not understand to write them in her notebook in Russian or English then to ask her or me for help later. She told her also if she has things to say, but can not say them because the teacher is talking or kids are working and it is time to be quiet, then she also can write them in her notebook. I am so thankful that this teacher is so in touch with her students, and goes out of her way to meet their special needs. Anya does about 90% of her homework by herself, then comes to me when she needs help with the rest of it. I am very proud of her English and how much she is learning already from these classes. Before the break Anya had a test in the English class, and got an 84% after just two weeks of classes. Matt and I told her that was wonderful and that we were very proud of her. Anya choose to focus on the questions that she did wrong, and called herself stupid. Again it is going to take time for her to be OK with herself. We enrolled Anya in Soccer. It is a spring sport at her school, so she will not officially start the practices for the school team until February. For now she goes once per week on Wednesday evenings for two hours to practice/scrimmage games at the school. This is a off season thing that is co-ed and taught by the girls soccer coach. The first night was rough, she told me she hated it and would never go back. But she did go back and many of the girls remembered her name and were very nice to welcome her, this made Anya happy. And the coaches were very encouraging and made it very clear to Anya it is just for fun and not to be afraid to make mistakes. Anya is now over the intimidation of playing with boys and so many new faces. Last week she very proudly showed me her bruised knee and told me she pushed the boy down and got the ball! I knew she had it in her! I am looking forward to January when she starts school full time and February when she will also start daily soccer practices. The more "normal" kids stuff she can do the better. It is hard for Anya to have free time, and to have to figure out what to do with that time on her own. I know I have read over and over in the adoption books about the importance of structure, and believe me it is so true! I really take for granted with my kids being old enough to entertain them selves, and I forget at times Anya has no clue how to do this. I figured out that I literally had to write her a list of things that she can do when she is bored, so she has a reference to consult when she finds herself with time to fill. It is kind of like parenting a toddler again, having to give them ideas and choices or else they are all over the place and into everything they should not be into. So one day I sat down and wrote this list with very basic things such as read a book, ride your bike, Play a video game, practice soccer. It went on and I ended up with about 40 simple things that are normal for girls her age to do when they are bored. and she uses this list often, it may sound very silly to you that have not been in this situation, but she really needed it. It keeps her from pouting, and whining, and wallowing in self pity and attempting to irritate me or her papa to the point where we have to make her stop, so this would give her a reason to be angry. This had become one of her favorite things to do when she would get bored, so she could storm off to her room and be mad, I think because she did not know what else to do. So now when I sense this starting to happen and her going down this path, I can say Anya you seem bored, go look at the list and choose something to do. 8 out of 10 times this works, and she ends up doing something she enjoys rather than making up reasons to argue with me and be mad. All the girls have been very excited about Christmas. Jasmine who's one of hers love language is gift giving, showed Anya the ropes. They have spent lots of time shopping for everyone, and Anya is so excited to give the gifts. Matt and I both have already had a few pre-Christmas gifts because she just could not wait anymore. They made gingerbread men the other night, and this was a first for Anya. She loved it. It was just like watching a small child, all goofy and silly, and messy frosting and sprinkles everywhere. This is what Matt & I refer to as "happy Bubbles" all of our girls have a way of expressing the "happy bubbles" those moments when they forget that they are teenagers, and too cool to have fun doing kids things, and they let the guard down and the "happy bubbles" flow. Taylor's are my favorite, she busts out in a sort of yodeling/opera voice and sings silly tunes while skipping thru the kitchen. Her "happy Bubbles moments are rare lately, because she has gotten way too cool, and at the moments is so cool that she won't even come to visit. We hope that one day she will let go of all her anger and need to grow up so fast and just be a kid before she not a kid anymore, but that is a whole other blog. Trusting God will work it out. As for Anya's "happy Bubbles" We now refer to hers as "Ukrainian Happy Bubbles" because they often do include some Ukrainian words, mixed with English words, and lots of over the top loud laughing at herself. These are the times that we strive for, when Anya feels secure enough to let her guard down allow her self to have fun and be a kid . I can only imagine how little of these times she had when she was really a small child. We are working hard to build up happy memories for her. Anya has not had many good memories from her childhood, in one of our "Anya therapy conversations" ( these are not in therapy, but at home, in front of the computer, with the help of the google translator when needed, when Anya opens up and shares with me parts of her past and who she is for real, these normally include tears from both her and I and a few times of Anya exiting the room to go slam her bedroom, then returning to hug me, and they last for one or two hours, and we both are exhausted afterward) she shared with me that the only happy memory she has of her mother was once when she was 6 mom made her a birthday cake. Other than that she remembers, mom working, sleeping, drinking until she slept, or mom yelling at her, hitting her, or throwing something at her. My goal is to help her in the next few years have more fun, and have stories of fun things she did as a child to share with her own children one day. I think I have rambled on long enough. I am sure we will have many stories to share after the first Christmas with her. I hope all of you have a great time with your families celebrating our saviours birth. One of us will update again after that.

Anya's Christmas wish list

Sisters: Taylor, Haley, Anya & Jasmine

Anya has been home 1 month as of yesterday. She has grown a lot in the past two weeks. Life with her sisters is one of her favorite things. She get pretty sad for a day or two when it is time for them to leave for their week at their other parents home. We have been very blessed that they all like each other so much, this can often be rare with teenage girls. The picture above was from Jasmine's 15th birthday last Friday. We had dinner at Red Robin, then Matt and I dropped them all off at the movies, along with Jasmine's friend Lauren to see Jasmine's favorite book series that is now a movie, Twilight. This was another first for Anya her first movie and experience away from Mom and Dad. She did great.

Anya had her first sleep over away from home this last week too. She spent the entire day with Luda they went Ice skating and then Anya slept over, it was on Wednesday. So Thursday morning (Thanksgiving) Luda and Anya spent a few hours making us some traditional Ukrainian salads to contribute to our Thanksgiving meal. She was very proud of her cooking when she brought it home Thursday morning she gave it to me and told me "she can cook" with a big smile. I love to hear her say "I can" do anything! It is one of the things we have been working hard on, no more "I can't" but rather "I can" or "I'll try".

Matt and I also made home made verinky, and borscht for Thanksgiving. It was nice to have our traditional American foods, and also to add some Ukrainian dishes to the feast this year. Anya did very well on Thanksgiving meeting lots of new family and trying new foods. I was worried it might be a little overwhelming for her.

Anya has been responding very well to her therapy sessions and is making lots of progress. She is mostly happier, and when she is not she is making use of our "feelings chart" that has different faces and names of the feelings in Russian and English. This hangs in our kitchen and is one of our tools for therapy to help Anya identify her feelings and talk about them before they result in negative actions.

I asked our girls for a Christmas wish list and Anya worked very hard on hers. She had her sisters help make sure that the Google translator was accurate enough that Matt and I would be able to understand her letter to us. I am going to type in her letter below, as it is the biggest proof we have had so far that she is adjusting and a great reassurance and reminder of why we went to such pain staking lengths, invested so much time, and traveled so far from home for so long to complete her adoption. I share this for any of you that are about to embark on this journey, those of you who are in the middle of it, or for those of you that may be just considering the adoption of an older child. I hope this will persuade you, encourage you, and remind you that YES it is WORTH IT!! Anya's letter:

My Favorite parents,

I wanted to inform you of a piece of bad news. I hope you are not angry, but happy.

I am sorry but I have nothing that I want for Christmas. Why?

Because everything that I wanted, I already have and I have you and dad to thank for it. I have no wish for Christmas because my gift for my whole life is you guys, my family.

Three months ago the only thing I wanted was to see you at the orphanage.

And now I can not believe the fact that this Christmas I will be with you!

It's like a fairy tale with a happy end. And 1 year ago you wrote me that we will be together....and now I am with you!

This is the very best Christmas present from the Lord!

And I thank him for that! At this time I am with you and I do not

need all the things from stores or in my room, because I have a family

that loves me and is ready at anytime to come to my rescue. Once I

told my self I would never have parents!

But it seems that I was wrong and that

is good! Because I am happy with you!

so this is my destiny to be with you! I took

the fear when I flew over here because I did not imagine my life here.

And when I was here I learned that i was afraid of something.

Today I have been here for 1 month I think it was a good choice and I am happy.

I had a lot of bad and good thoughts at the same time. but now I realize that was only a thought not reality. The real reality is where we are all together.

You, Dad, Haley, Taylor and Jasmine. A lot of times I wanted to share with you my problems but as soon as I was going to

do that, inside I couldn't. I once talked with my mother, maybe because if this I seriously talked about something to someone about my former life. I don't know why I am not

able to talk to my former mother and so now I seriously disclose my soul to you and dad. Well, that is all!!!

Your Daughter, Anya

I know some of her letter is a bit confusing and lost in translation issues, but the point is she is thankful for her family more than anything else in her whole world. And she is trying to communicate about all her conflicting feelings of loss and change and deep inside she wants to be a real daughter to us, and we are so thankful for that. Adoption of older, unwanted children who feel unworthy of parents and love is the single most important, life changing decision you will ever make. And it is hard, very very hard at times, but Yes it is worth it!

I am posting some more pictures of her last few weeks here, including some from her welcome home party. I regret that I was not able to get a photo of every one of our guest that showed up to welcome Anya, because there were so many of you, over 100. THANK YOU ALL so much for making this such a memorable day for Anya. She truly felt special and loved.

Home just over two weeks now...

We have been home just over two weeks now and so much has happened. I have wanted to update for some time now but have never found the time or energy to do so. Anya I have decided is very much like a newborn. A 5 foot 6 inch, 135 pound, bilingual new born. She is soo needy! And demanding of all of our attention. Very jealous of the computer time. Today she is at school all day with our daughter Jasmine, who is attending the same High School Anya will attend beginning in January. She is doing what they call a "shadow day" where she follows Jasmine all over thru her day just to observe and become more comfortable with the whole idea of the school. So I am thrilled to have some alone time!! Oh yes and my wonderful husband Matt, started back to work on Monday, so I am truly alone for the first time in 2 months. No more 24/7 Matt!! Not that I don't love him and enjoy my time with him but enough is enough already. Thank you God for healing his ankle!! Back to Anya and the update. She has become increasingly angry and difficult. She is very anxious about school and overwhelmed by the size of the place. She is afraid of all the newness. Her English is pretty good, much better than we expected but she is still afraid that she will not understand her teachers and they will not understand her. All this anxiety came to a head on last Sunday night. We had scheduled a meeting for Tuesday at the school to have her English comprehension tested, and just thinking of that sent her into a big fit. This ended up in her digressing into all Ukrainian/Russian words and screaming at me because I don't understand her. I had to get firm and tell her to go away from me if she was going to keep yelling at me. I told her no Russian, give me a little English and I would listen, or else go away! She did not handle this perceived rejection from me very well, and she stormed off to her room and of course slammed the door. We get the door slams a lot! So I continued on making dinner and a while later Haley went up to tell Anya it was time for dinner and she got yelled at too, sorry Haley! Anya came down to dinner but did not stay long enough to eat. She ended up back in her room after another Russian screaming fit. After about an hour had passed she came down to me again, now in the middle of cleaning up dinner dishes, and she showed me her arm. Anya had taken Scissors and cut about 29 slashes into her self. And she wanted me to react in a panic, I was fairly calm thank you very much. I told her that was a bad choice and if she chooses to hurt herself then I do not want to see and I will not be around it. She was shocked, her plan did not work. Then she tried to convince me it was funny, that did not work. None of this was getting her the reaction she had hoped for, not from me and not from Papa. The rest of the evening I was secretly furious at her but did not let her see it. She then turned to her favorite game of feel sorry for me. The rest of the night she followed me around and repeatedly told me how bad, stupid, and unloved she is but all along she sat very close practically forcing me to touch her. I know she is hurting and trying desperately to communicate her needs. but I refuse to give her that type of negative attention. The next day we started therapy. Anya did some hard work, I am very proud of her making this type of effort. She talked a bit about her abuse from her mom, and the anger she has at her dad for giving her up and at her grandma for dying and leaving her alone with her mother. She gave some specific details about severe abuse that landed her in the hospital, and it was soo hard for me not to cry. Anya gets really upset when I cry, and I do not want these sessions to become about me, but continue to be about her healing and grieving. Our therapist thinks Anya is safe and not truly suicidal but truly angry and hurting which we knew, but it feels good to hear it from the professional. Anya has not cut herself again as far as I know, hopefully that was an isolated incident. We believe she assumed if she acted out enough she would avoid having to go to school. She now knows that can't work. We have decided after having her tested to enroll her in the ESL program and ease her into it a little bit at a time. The staff at her school have been wonderful and understanding of her needs. Anya will do two of the shadow days before Thanksgiving break week, then begin English classes one period a day four days per week. Then we will have two week Christmas break and she will begin a full schedule as a freshman January 5th, that is the beginning of the second semester so it works out nicely. Anya will be taking 2 beginning English classes and one Literacy class designed for kids whom English is not their first language. She will also take what is referred to as PLATO Lab Math. This a program designed to help kids get the basic concepts of math if they have missed it along the way. It is done on the computer which Anya likes, and done at an individual pace. She will take PE everyday to help her by providing movement and a break from sitting all day, besides Anya loves almost all sports. Jasmine will be in PE with her and also in her Art class and lunch period. We have designed it this way so Anya gets some contact with someone familiar thru out her day. Jasmine has been a great sister to Anya, all of the girls have really. They are putting up with a lot of Anya's outbursts, and so much attention going towards Anya, and yet they are still willing to love her, play with her, and help her when ever she wants and needs it. We are so blessed to have such great kids. Thank you Haley, Jasmine and Taylor so much!!! Anya's last class will be Keyboarding, she choose this one because she likes computers, but does not know how to type well. I think it will be fairly easy to understand for her, mostly visual rather than verbal. I am really looking forward to Anya beginning school, it will keep her focused on something other than self pitty and hopefully boost her confidence. Anya has been to the dentist twice now, and returns next Wednesday to fill four more cavities. She did really good the first time just cleaning and x-rays. Yesterday was a long hard appointment, but again her understanding of verbal English was such a blessing, it really helped with her fear level. She had to have 6 cavities done on the right side top and bottom. Two of the cavities were really deep all the way to the nerve ending, but stoped just short of that so she was not having much pain from it. It took about an hour and a half to complete. Anya was tired and sore all the rest of the day, so she watched cartoons and lied on the coach most of the afternoon and evening. It was a nice change to have quiet Anya, but sad she was hurting. Anya will also go to the orthodontist on Wednesday to get a consult about the replacement of her front top tooth, it was knocked out in 2004 as a result of abuse by her mother. The tooth next to it has shifted over into it's slot and we may end up having to extract one that is pretty bad further back to allow room for the teeth to move and a false one to be eventually placed. Matt and I are thrilled about the possibility of having four girls in braces or some type of ortho treatment all at once!! Jasmine is in full braces for about a year now, Haley is scheduled to begin in January, Taylor who had braces in 3-5th grades, yet refused to wear her retainer during 6th grade, now has teeth that have shifted again and is looking at more time in braces. And now Anya, no idea how we will afford this, hoping the orthodontist will take pity and give us at least a small break or discount. Halloween with Anya was very interesting. She did NOT want to dress up or go Trick or Treating, but at one point she and I did wear witch hats while giving out candy. The other girls went Trick or treating with Friends and or were at their other parents for the week, Haley is the only one who stopped by our neighborhood, so I could take a picture. Matt, Anya & I sat on the front porch and roasted hot dogs and brats on the outdoor fireplace while giving out candy. We also roasted the little smoked sausages and put them on toothpicks to give out to the trick or treaters, and the parents who were with them. Anya now thinks this is how it is done, so we have started a tradition that will have to continue. She got very good at saying "Sausage or Candy, or both" oh and "Happy Halloween" all which was done in a scary witch voice followed by some really "scary" phrases in Russian, which normally set the kids running from the yard. Towards the end of the night we added our Ukrainian candy to the bowl, cause we were running low. We had a group of high school kids come by and take this candy, one kid stopped and recognized it as Russian candy. Turns out he and his family are Russians, immigrated here about 15 years ago when he was 3. His name is Anton and he lives here in Longmont. He and Anya spoke for a while in Russian and exchanged phone numbers. We are glad she met a friend but a little worried about him being male and two to three years older than her. We have since ran into the problem of her inviting him over with out our knowledge (because we can;t understand the phone conversations) and he shows up at the worst times and we have to ask him to leave. She has not figured out the concept of asking parents for permission, and family time. This happened one day when Jessica Carlson and Luba(who was adopted from Anya's orphanage last November) showed up to visit and welcome her home. Luba is 9 now. She loves Anya very much. Anya was rather upset after they left because Luba is no longer speaking Russian. Luba has decided she does not want to keep her Russian, Anya very much wants to and is afraid if she learns English and speaks it too much she will forget. Anyway it was very good to see Jessica and Luba and meet the new baby Rylee. She is adorable. (pictures of them are on the picasa site) I found out thru this experience of playing on the floor with Rylee that Anya would not handle me watching babies well at all. I am reassured of my decision to stop doing day care for the babies, was the right thing to do, even though I miss that a lot. Anya was upset with me giving attention to the baby and came down onto the floor with us and laid on my lab and told me SHE was MY baby! and then "no I not baby, but teenager" "Your teenager baby" and I agreed she is just like I said my teenage infant. Anya has talked to Kolya Hickman once on the phone.( he is another boy who came home from her orphanage over the summer, they also live here in Denver) She was happy that Kolya was speaking Russian to her. He has decided I am told to "Keep" his Russian. Wendy says he has a boy his age who is Russian and they get together often to play, I think that is great. Anya got to have lunch with Luda Weaver, Barbara daughter(16 adopted from Ukraine at 14) the first week we were home. This was soo good for her. She really loves the comfort of speaking to friends in her native language. I hope her and Luda become close friends. They live real close to us only about 20 minutes. We also introduced her to Leah, a girl who works at our King Soopers, she has been waiting to meet Anya for over a year. She too was adopted at age 14, she is now 18 but has kept the Russian language. We have had a little time with the Barrett's Johnny and Twyla and their two little ones of course still speak Russian. Anya really likes both Mari and Misha, but Misha is still a little shy of Anya. He won't talk to her much, but hoping that will change as we see them more. We had lunch with other good friends Richard and Cindy Houghton who adopted Adam last August from Ukraine. He is 6. Adam speaks mostly English now, and claims not to remember any Russian. I was told later that when the kids were down stairs playing games away from us parents, that Adam did in fact remember, understand and speak some Russian to Anya. That is very interesting to me. I just wonder what that is all about? And of course Nastiya Fields who came home on Saturday, Yeah!! They have talked once on the phone since then. Brian and Tami Fields were the couple that were in Mariupol with us and we all have become very close, Ukraine has a great way of bonding people. Not only did Matt and I bond with Brian and Tami, but Anya and Nastiya together because they were both going thru the adoption process together and they spent so much time during the Visits together, I hope we remain good friends/family for a very long time.

Anya has two weeks of lots of new people. She has meet and spent some time with most of our extended families which at times is over stimulating for her, and wears her out being introduced to everyone and all the cousins are overwhelming to her at times, but I think it is good to do a little at a time before the holidays hit. So our first two weeks has been a big mixture of good times, bad times, and lots of emotions, but over all it is good. We know it was the right thing to do and Anya is meant to be a part of this family. We have a lot of hard work ahead of us, but it is worth it and all the reward that is too come in her growing into a successful person will make all these trials seem minor one day.

Got to end now meeting Twyla for lunch to enjoy "my time" away from the ever present Anya. Posted some more pictures of her time home so far. I hope to write again later.

Power Of Attorney, bad info. and Idol worship!!

October 28th, 2008

The Swiss Alps are amazing from 35,000 feet. They appear as jagged edged, dark ice-bergs in a sea of clouds. It’s a lot for those like me who do not fly much. I can never get enough of sitting in a window seat and just staring out. This time, however, that seat is occupied by Anya who left her country for good about two hours ago. She didn’t cry, didn’t talk much; it was rather solemn. I can only wonder what that must feel like. When I left for Ukraine five weeks ago, I knew I had to endure the loss of language for a short period of time. Anya is now faced with the anxiety and loss permanently. She said goodbye to Sergei this morning about 7AM, our driver for most of our stay in Kiev; he was awesome. He NEVER stops talking, knows the city’s history, is proud of Ukraine, and is nothing short of professional. He will forever be the last person from her home country whom she would speak with her native tongue before she boarded the flight to take her to her new home. When we lifted off she left her resident soil. I think it caused me more sadness than her as it is doing so as I write this. I can only hope that I do not dismiss that loss and provide the support and empathy she will need to transition; we’ll see. We got to spend our last day in Kiev going to the US Embassy again. We were told early on that Anya was party to civil action involving her mother. Her mother “illegally” sold an apartment/flat that was Anya’s property as well. The orphanage has to have “Power Of Attorney” to represent her now that she can no longer personally attend the hearings, which she has been doing. We composed and signed the necessary paperwork last Monday in Mariupol for the Ukraine Social Services to allow the orphanage this power (it is overseen and approved by them). Monday we were informed that the court hearing had been set for next week! We were told this would not occur for quite some time and would have time once in the states to compose this letter, have it reviewed and submit it at a later date. In typical Ukrainian fashion, everything changed last minute and they had to have it before we left the country-thanks for that! 9AM; US Embassy for an hour having them help us compose and submit the “Power Of Attorney” and get notarized there. Then off to the Ukraine Ministry Of Foreign Affairs for two hours of fun and games. At this point in the process I’ve had it up to my eye-balls with Ukraine lines and the non-stop pushing to the front mentality. I make myself as big as possible and dig-in!! No one is getting in front of me. I was immovable, made it obvious and didn’t mind responding in broken Russian, fluent English. They are actually irritated that I was ahead of them and I won’t let them by-too bad! This loss of patience manifested itself Sunday night in a taxi ride home from St. Michaels. Earlier, the ride to this area (around Independence Square) cost me $6.00USD (three times the cost of similar rides in Mariupol). This moron tried to charge me $15.00! Doesn’t sound like much, I know, but I’ve had it! A rapid fire exchange in Russian/English developed and fast. I gave him $10.00 (more like wadded it up and threw it in his lap), told him a few things, as only one can when not from the country AND, the frosting on the cake….SLAMMED THE DOOR! Remember, they hate that! While we were still at this office, the, “…language superiority” subordinating reared its ugly head in a manner that finally had me turning to Anya and making it very clear she was waiting outside. She was stunned that I actually thought that, as an adult who didn’t speak the language, I felt as though I could manage this without her snotty sneers, document snatching and loud, obnoxious comments. She wheeled around as if to say, “You poor, inept, bumbling, language-challenged, idiot; you will come running for me to save you”. Nope! 10 minutes later I had composed all the right paperwork, in Russian, had it paid for and submitted, receipt in hand and walking out the door. Dad (at this point) =76; 15 year old Ukrainian female=0! We then spent the next four hours going to THEE biggest monastery, “The Kyiv-Pechorek Historical Preserve” and the Military monuments that are about one kilometer away. If you go nowhere else in Kyiv, go to these two places first; they are absolutely incredible. St. Michaels, St. Sophia’s and St. Andrews would be next on my list. The military monument is very moving and full of every type of weaponry imaginable.

We went back to the Ministry Of Foreign Affairs where, once again, I make my stand in the “line” to pick up the equivalent of an apostiled document. 45 minutes later I’m out. It would turn out to be the last prolonged wait in a line for this process.

November 1st, 2008

Although I had the above paragraphs composed on our flight over France last Tuesday, they are a part of this post for good reason. As I drew near to the end of the last paragraph, I paused for a moment and, for whatever reason it hit me that Aimee and I had completely misinformed those who wanted or needed to know of our actual return date! All the flight information was correct-we had simply failed to remember we gain nine hours! We are about ½ way across France. I turned to Aimee to inform her. In that moment, I knew that I was about to start a wave of panic that held the potential of reaching monumental status in our history of “panic-stricken” moments (and we have had more in 6 years of marriage than most people have in a life-time!!). It came out, though; “We told everyone the wrong date”. With the ticket as a visual, I thoughtfully, lovingly, quietly and correctly explained. Aimee has, without doubt, the most amazingly large, beautiful, almond shaped eyes I have ever personally seen-they got bigger, and I watched the realization of my insight become reality!

PANIC! We discussed what to do-and by that, I actually mean; Aimee decided what to do (some things are just better left as a “one-way” conversation). We would simply give as much notice possible via the “in-flight” phone. Who cares that it’s $11.00/minute, right? We would simply call two or three people who we knew could relay the information for us. We spent nearly 20 minutes trying to use the phone with no success. We asked the stewardess; she has no answers but will ask the captain, however, he’s busy announcing over the intercom that there is a medical emergency and if there is a medical professional on board, their assistance is required. Shamefully, my first thought; I have a call to make! It was actually my first, second and third thought (we ALL tend to be self-serving). Don’t give me any of that, “Oh, how could you?”, or, “I would never have had those thoughts-my first thought would have been for the person in distress!”-Shut up already! Human nature is exactly what it is-nature. We don’t “naturally” have the right thoughts immediately, or, perhaps, ever! We may eventually get there. By “eventually”, I mean; it can happen within seconds or even years. Were our thoughts immediately “righteous” and/or “pure”-we would have no need for a savior; we would be so unto ourselves. If you’re wondering about my statements, are disturbed by them or have never even pondered this, try actually reading what the Apostle Paul said about “human nature” in the book of Romans. I am by no stretch of the imagination a theologian or pretend to know things in detail or great depth, but I do actually read my bible and never cease to be amazed at those who prescribe to “Christianity” and couldn’t even begin to articulate one intelligent thought about this, or other subjects and would be humiliated if asked when it was the last time they opened up God’s Word and familiarized themselves with it. We have many more important things that occupy our minds and time.

Has anyone else noticed that we have entire cable channels devoted to the complete understanding, breakdown and analysis of NFL Football games, college football games, MLB games, NBA games, how to build motorcycles, home improvement, cooking, golf(which I hate the most and I like golfing!), history, music, and even entertainment TV that reports and breaks down entertainment events-it’s obscene!!!!!!!!!! This list goes on and on. Can you imagine a group of pastors or bible scholars with an ESPN type format? Picture, if you will, the shows that have segments where former NFL greats, now “analysts”, get on a miniature football field (in suits) and proceed to walk through the elements of a developing “football play”. I actually get embarrassed for these guys. In ridiculous, slow motion fashion, they play touch football for a few seconds, talking to each other and informing us. What's worse is that there are in fact, people out there who watch this stuff. Now, if you will, we have our ministerial team doing the same thing; only they get to act out things like; “The Fall of Satan”, The Creation”, play-by-play analysis of, “The Original Sin”…the list is endless! Who wouldn’t want to watch these guys, on a miniature set, build the ark, analyze the Pentecost, break down the altercation between Samson and Delilah, the talking donkey, and the Book Of Revelation-are you kidding me? Instead of “Monday Night Football”, we would have “Monday Night Plan Of Redemption”. My point (and this may be my #1 pet-peeve): I believe that our culture has strayed so incredibly far and has become so clever at “self-justification”, that our “Idol worship” has morphed into a form that is so subtle and so indiscriminate that we don’t have a clue that it rises to the same level as the blatant idol worship of the bible. I could go on and on about this, but this is an adoption blog, right?

We used a BlackBerry from a gentleman sitting across the aisle from us to compose an E-mail to those we could. He had overheard out plight and became involved. I don’t fly much, but there seems to be a lot of “overhearing” of things on airplanes. We sent this message as soon as we landed in Chicago. Aimee was able to compose a text-message and sent it out at the same time as well as making calls, but, of course, the phone’s battery was almost gone as was my laptop’s battery. We landed nearly 30 minutes early. Great!!! Wrong! The aforementioned medical emergency ended with an 80 year old woman passing away about 200 miles west of London. Because she was from Michigan, they kept flying. They made us sit on the plane while they tended to this issue. Here again, I have to tell you my first thought: let us off the plane first! Remember in Romans when Paul really hammers it home, “…that which I don’t want to do, I keep doing!”-that’s me! We needed that extra time to navigate through US Immigration, US Customs, recheck our baggage, get on the train shuttle all the way from terminal 5 to terminal 1, run through the concourse to the gate to attempt to get Anya on our flight. We made it by five minutes and were able to do so-no thanks to Swiss Air. Don’t they know I have a plane to catch? Aimee and Anya were able to persuade a couple people to change seats and sit together, I was relegated to aisle 43, seat E! That’s right, folks, the center seat in the center aisle! I think the Lord reached down and physically shut my eye lids so I would survive. I don’t recall the take off and woke when I felt the jarring of the wheels hit the runway at DIA. I had no idea they could fit that many people on an airline.

I’m going to post this now as my new 15 year old just came down the stairs like a herd of buffaloes and informed me that we need to go on another bike ride like yesterdays-it was 6 miles and 30 minutes of quality time for us. It’s 8:00AM and I’ve been up since 3:30AM. Former orphans DO NOT let you forget how important they are to you and demand your time, relentlessly. Do not take such a decision lightly-it will change/improve your life dramatically because you don’t have time to be self-absorbed; and I like being self-absorbed! There will be more, like: Halloween last night (handing out smoked sausages from our outdoor fireplace), the arrival at DIA, Anya seeing her room for the first time, roof repair, her sisters, bowling, and, my favorite subject: AIMEE!!!

Home!

We're home. We're exhausted. More later.

Garrett's ARRIVE TONIGHT 10-28-08

To all! We totally messed up!!!!! We forgot about the time change. We gain 9 hours! We arrive tonight, the 28th @ 811PM Anya arrives @ 930PM, same flight information. Please call or E-mail anyone you know who planned on coming. I realized what we had done about 1/2 way across France. Tried calling but the on-flight phone is not working and will not be available for remainder of flight. I'm composing this @ 200PM, our time-approximately 8AM Colorado time. We will send this E-mail to those we have E-mail addresses for and those who wanted to be there-we don't have access to all those e-mail addresses. If you know any of these people and how to get hold of them, PLEASE do so!!! As soon as we land in Chicago this E-mail will send. Aimee is also sending out a "mass" text-message to those we have cell #'s for. We will also place as many calls as possible while in Chicago while trying to make it through Customs and Immigration. Cannot believe we did this-yes, I can! We are borrowing a BlackBerry from a nice gentleman seated across the aisle because, if you recall-I lost mine! Oh, and an 80 year old woman from Michigan died 10 minutes into the flight! SORRY! Matt and Aimee From 300 miles west of England

"Planes, Trains and Automobiles",coffee mugs and apparel ammo!

There's a scene in "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" that, although highly inappropriate, rings true for, I believe, all of us at some point. Steve Martin is standing at the rental car counter and lets the customer service rep. have it (several times) with, what I believe is the only word that really works sometimes. Before you go casting self-righteous daggers in my direction, let me qualify by saying that this word RARELY makes it out of mouth. For those of you can't help but gasp, I'd submit you're either disingenuous or disengaged-either way, relax!! We all have the same Saviour. And what is it with Steve Martin: "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", "Parenthood" (my favorite), "Father Of The Bride"...

What does this have to do with this "blog"? For those who are here or have been here-you know! For those who are coming or are digesting whether to come-you will know! To be sure, Aimee and I have had it good while here, save a few events (like yesterdays moronic taxi driver who took us to the wrong address then charged us $10.00USD for a $2.00USD ride). Aimee reminded me yesterday that I shouldn't be so negative. I agree-to a point(she always has good input). It's not that things have been "bad", they've been outside of the world that I've learned to navigate, outside my "comfort zone". However, we are going home with our new 15 year old on Tuesday. She's healthy. She's animated(oh, my God, is she animated!) She demonstrates remarkable empathy and forgiveness (like when "papa" refuses to leave St. Andrews and return home in the same direction so as not to get lost...........but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I take us in the exact opposite direction for an hour long "lost-fest" ending with the taxi ride home with the above mentioned). She tried to tell me, I didn't listen, frustrated her, cost me more than I should have paid and she still likes me. She adores her new "mama". She's got beautiful eyes, actually wears things we buy her (unlike other teenagers in our lives-love you guys!) and makes her bed every morning without a single, "Ya nye kochu!!" This is the phrase of choice for many things. If you hear it, look out! If I'm hearing and relating it correct, it means, "I don't want to!". I've learned to respond with, "Ochen zhal!"-"Too Bad!" As one of our commenter's mentioned; while they are still here, they love to exercise their "language superiority..." over you-subordinating you to their desires. I'm OK with this because in two days we will be surrounded by English and it will be at this point that all the frustrations, anxieties and experiences related to the language barrier will pay off as I will completely empathize with her frustration, not dismissing it, until she assimilates. Without this knowledge and personalization, I have no doubt I would have told her, "Ochen zhal". Now, I will know to provide comfort and support. While she will express her points, rather loudly, at the end she respects and complies with most everything.

Back to "that word". There have been moments here that it almost made an appearance. The policies and procedures that we think can be relied on don't happen here. The orphanage changed the visitation policy daily, if not more. Sometimes red-lights mattered, sometimes they didn't. There are moments with our Ukrainian Princess where all is as I envisioned it. At times I wonder what we've done exposing ourselves to this process as well as other family members. Oddly, I have no regrets whatsoever. In fact, I wish I had one or two more just to make it more fun as Aimee and I thrive on this type of activity. We have learned that the more we become involved with situations like this, the faster the days go and the less we spend worrying about ourselves. You become a participant in events and a life that slowly erodes selfishness and the "me-isms" that our culture worships. I compare it to sending a coin on a rolling path downward in a funnel: the deeper it goes towards its goal, the more it speeds up and stays on path to the bottom-focused, determined and no where else to go because it's committed and at the mercy of its destination AND it can't end up anywhere else. It has "promise" so to speak, of ending up where it was pointed. Strange analogy, I know. Perhaps there are some who look at it more like a toilet flushing-too bad for you. I have often wondered how people survived serving others, especially when that service was barely, if at all, recognized. The older I get the more clear this becomes. What is time on earth compared to eternity? Do the right things!! I don't pretend for a moment to be righteous. I don't always do the right things, in fact, I'm amazed at how far I can stray in thought and action. Those who follow adoption blogs and do things that really matter are after the heart of God. If I recall correctly, King David was, "...a man after God's own heart."; it doesn't say he found it! The Lord knows our efforts and knows we're not our own saviour.

Enough of the positives...men, if you're wife disappears in a public place after leaving for the bathroom, make an appearance on her behalf. Being stuck in a McDonald's bathroom will undermine her ability to go to the bathroom alone from there on out. All those years poking fun at women for going to the bathroom together will now undermine your manhood as you become the new "bathroom buddy". Try telling her "no" when she requests that you accompany her. Worse, try not feeling stupid when you're standing outside the women's bathroom door in Ukraine. It gets better: rent a flat on the same day where the bathroom door(you guessed it) can't be opened except for providing a butter knife that separates the door from the frame just enough to open-no anxiety for her there! You have to understand my wife; this girl is 100%, class grade AAA, pink wearing, dolled up, big-beautiful almond shaped eyes, over-reacting, trust issued, fantasy driven, mam-bear mentality, "I like it the way I like it" living, temperature intolerant (2 degrees either side of 72 degrees requires wardrobe change), "...don't walk on that floor I just mopped it!" touting, come kill this microscopic spider screaming, relentless hand washing, passenger-side pull down mirror blocking my safe line of sight using, freezing cold anatomy in the heat of summer, can't pull in or out of the garage without knocking off $300 mirrors driving, 7 pairs of shoes to Ukraine wearing, suitcase that doubles as an SUV bringing, chap stick wearing, Febrezing everything using, angelic smile flashing, American woman. My wife expects nothing less of me than to provide for her complete care and comfort. It's a huge motivator for me because I need goals and an adventure-although I'm really not one, she provides me with never-ending opportunities to be her "hero". Keeps me in tune with her. There is, in my opinion, a biblical basis for some of this: I believe men are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Their was no subordinating, there was service. There were no harsh demands and/or expectations, there were gentle words and empathy. I cannot begin to claim these virtues as my own, quite the contrary (those who know me well or even those reading my words know this)but I try. King David, Samson, Moses, Peter were all "contrary".

Back to adoption blogging: I discovered the most difficult thing for us was the securing of usable, reasonable return tickets to actually get home. When I first booked our tickets back in mid-September, I guessed October 31st. Had to change them. Because of the "unknown", you can't secure these tickets until you know for sure that you're Embassy appointment will end with your visa in hand. By then, you're faced with flight availability and costs that can be frustrating. Back in the states, you rely on "guarantees" and reservations. That does not work in this process. All it takes is one thing and you're best made plans can sink. The worst part is that your best bet is to purchase a round trip ticket for your child/children knowing you will never use one leg of the trip. The airlines actually are shrewd here, they offer the tickets in this manner knowing that they will, many times, get paid for seats not used, then resell them. No wonder they're going out of business-it's not "9/11" and the cost of a barrel of oil, it's bad business practices on a grander, yet more subtle scale that is fostering a frustration among the paying public. Book your flights as soon as possible after your sure of your embassy appointment date.

Yesterday we walked to St. Andrews. All I can say is, "Awesome". There is a street that runs up to St. Andrews that is lined with booths of all kinds called Desyattyann St. It is completely tourist oriented and they sell almost anything you could want for taking back as gifts or for your own memories. The best thing to do is to start at one end and walk all the way up or down. Make mental notes of things you liked but do not buy them the first time through. Buy all the stuff the 2nd time through as you will find duplicate items at different prices, or at least similar items that you may like better than the first one you see. By the time we were done, we had small bags of items which I had the pleasure of carrying all day. We did allow Anya to buy quite a few things that were not to expensive. She's very proud of Ukraine and wanted lots of items, like a Ukrainian flag that will cover an entire wall of her bedroom. When I first declined, she whirled around and stated, "I like..it is my country...I'm leaving", I held out until she said, as only a Ukrainian teen age girl can, "PaPaaaa"! Wait 'til you hear that, guys!!! It was after we left the huge museum adjacent to St. Andrews that I lost my bearings. Go to the museum.

We also took Anya to the front gates of the SDA, where the process really began. It was a little surreal. Last time we were at that gate we were hoping and praying that the picture shown us was hers for the referral, now, we're thinking about suing...not really! Geez, relax! If you're one of those that knows you initially became unnerved by that, you need to relax. This is a very serious, life-changing process, at the same time you'll spontaneously explode if you can't approach it with humor. It may be a poor coping skill, but it works for me.

No cities, anywhere should be configured with converging streets anchored in large circles! I drive for UPS and I thrive on knowing where I'm going. Very frustrating to admit I literally went the opposite direction. When you see "Independence Square" on your way home and you live 2 miles from there and you didn't see it going to St. Andrews, that's a problem.

We've also discovered that in Kiev, you can eat out as cheap, if not cheaper, than you can buying groceries and cooking in your flat and you know what you're getting and your child can't pretend to be ordering what you pointed at and in reality ordering exactly what she wants. We approach being served our meals more as, "What is this? That's not what I pointed at!"-followed by, you guessed it, "...no speak English.."! Ya, right! Also, everything seems to be baked or fried inside some kind of cabbage or wrap of some sort. Be adventurous when biting into things. There's always some kind of cheese, meat, potato, veggie or God knows what else inside; as if not being able to read it wasn't a surprise enough.

I'd like to mention our cab ride while in Donetsk. We arrived in Donetsk at approximately 5:15PM on Tuesday. Nadiya hooked us up with a friend who had a car and knew the city well. What that really meant was that he knew how to be a complete maniac in order to get us where we needed to be. Had this not happened, Nadiya was going to have to stay in Donetsk overnight. We would have had to abandon the train ticket for her and buy a brand new one and pay for a place for her to stay. This guy sped around Donetsk using his car with the same recklessness as a cowboy would use his gun in the old west. At one point he ran his car balanced on rail road tracks (not rail car tracks-train tracks!) for about 50 yards. We got done in one hour what we were told would take all afternoon once in Donetsk. We made the train by 15 minutes.

After much debate, my wife and I have determined that the #1 thing we wished we had brought with us were our "travel-coffee mugs". They do not believe in any sort of take out or travel anything, here. If you're one for coffee and lots of it, bring one-they are no where to be found here. We resorted to saving a McDonald's coffee cup that came with a lid. This is the same cup that just collapsed from usage about 20 minutes ago and spilled all over the only pair of jeans Aimee could wear as well as the only sweater she wanted to wear-remember "that word"? Uh-huh!! It's little things like that that are now causing stress, and lots of it. This place and being out of control of most of what we do is really starting to take it's toll. We've both had it. Small amounts of miscommunication can lead to disasters, you can imagine what that does to things when it is almost non-existent. Like when I'm completely right and the lovely Aimee is wrong and the only way to communicate that is to lovingly shove her off the bed onto the floor, away from the computer (the bed is actually a low couch about 10 inches off the floor-it's not domestic violence unless it's higher than 12 inches above floor level, or until she reads this blog later and I'm never heard from or seen again). Remember that part about, "...being her hero..."? Not sure that's how she'd phrase it right now. And from a mathematical point of view: 7 pairs of shoes=14 rounds of ammunition. I choose to see myself as a war correspondent faithfully relating the events while under fire. Perhaps I now qualify for the G.I. bill and all the benefits thereof...

Our one remaining concern is getting Anya from Chicago to Denver on the last leg of the flight home. I'm not real concerned about this. Once US Immigration gets a dose of our Anya, they will slam her through the process and get her out as fast as possible and on her way. I can only imagine that watching each person come out of the walk-way from the plane at the terminal will be tense, although I also imagine we'll hear her 1/2 way across Iowa somewhere in an all to familiar tune...."Ya nye kachu"!

Off for more sight-seeing. Lots of pictures of the museum, we'll caption later.

Update from Kiev

Anya in her "Traveling Suit" on the train Today is Friday we are in Kiev. Papa and Anya are watching "Polar Express" and and eating Pringles, I have a few minutes to myself, this has become increasingly rare since Anya is now with us always. I feel like I have been on a non-stop emotional roller coaster since about Sunday before we left Mariupol. I am hoping that by writing some, it will allow me to recover and get back on track. Please forgive me if my thoughts are a little hard to follow, I am sure those of you who have been thru this process understand how it gets at the end of the trip. Sunday we went with Anya to visit her Grandmother's grave. This was one of the hardest things for me to observe since we arrived. We picked her up about 10:00am and first stopped to buy flowers to place on the graves. Both of her grandparents and a cousin where buried there, so she bought three sets of flowers. As most of you know already Anya was very close to her grandmother, who was the one person in her life that cared for her consistently and protected her from her mother's fits of rage. It was very sad to watch her grieve and say goodbye again. She cried in my arms and I felt very inadequate with the language barrier to comfort her. All I could do was hold her tight and let her cry. Monday was Anya's going away party at the orphanage this too ended up being a very sad emotional day for her. I came into this knowing that this child has experienced lots of trauma and loss, and that she will be grieving the loss of her identity and culture as we leave Ukraine, but I never fully expected it to be so difficult for me personally to see her in this type of pain and experience all of this first hand. The party itself was very organized and several of the children did dances and two of them sang songs. They are many talented kids in Anya's group. Anya wore a beautiful formal gown and she and an older boy did a nice ballroom type dance for us. Anya was OK during this portion but after she was done dancing and sitting next to me, the tears began to fall and did not stop for over an hour. After all the singing, dancing, and speeches were made and we were passing out fruit,Nastiya (Matthews) was hugging me and Ludmilla asked Nadiya to tell me that this was her last day here. She told me that tomorrow she would go with her mother. After the party Nastiya tried to talk to me more about this, she told me with her facial expressions and limited English words that she was sad for Mama & Papa meaning Dan & Joyce. I tried the best I could to let her know it was going to be Ok and Mama & Papa would be OK too. I told her to do the best she could and that her Mother was trying to love her and do the right thing, not sure she understood. I will miss her, she is such a sweet girl, always so happy each day we saw her at the orphanage. Also after the party ended we had some pictures to give to Lyena that we had printed to leave with her. When we found her upstairs it became apparent that she had been avoiding Anya and us in order to not deal with her own sadness and loss. When we gave her the photos she and Anya hugged and Lyena broke down. Her and Matt were saying goodbye, and both of them were crying. I would find out later from Matt the details of this conversation. He had told her it was going to be OK and that we would come to visit her in Indiana once she was home with Masha and the Niles family, and she kept saying Maybe Indiana, maybe Not, Maybe Christine and Mark maybe Not. She had fallen back into the insecure thinking that they may not come to adopt her. Matt assured her they would, and if they did not then we will. He also made sure she understood that we along with Anya would call her and write to her often. We will all miss Lyena very much, she will always hold a special place in my heart. Tuesday we arrived at the orphanage about 9:30 to pick up Anya for the last time. We had too wait for a while because Nadiya was still at the court house trying to pick up the court decree. During this waiting time we were given a tour of the rest of the orphanage and were taken to see the infants, toddlers and preschool age children. I would guess about 75 % of the kids in this orphanage fall into this under 4 category. This too would impact me in a way I never expected. We began in the room with infants under one year old. There were many cribs with 2-5 babies in them. We took lots of pictures and posted some for all to see. All the caregivers seemed to love the babies and take care of them well, they were holding some of them and feeding others. But you could still tell the little ones were craving attention. Their little faces just lit up as soon as you touched them. One little boy held my fingers so tightly and so long that a care giver had to eventually come over and pry his hands of of me, it was so sad. I wanted to take them all home with me of course. Next we would go to a room for older babies who are already walking from about 12 months-24 months. Their were 12 smaller cribs in here, each with only one baby and all of them were sound a sleep. So we did not take photos of them or stay long we did not want to wake them up. After this we went to the room for toddlers all of these kids were between 2-3 years old. They were just sitting down for a snack when we arrived. So the caregivers interrupted this and turned on the music and tried to get them to sing and dance for us. Some of them did do their little dances for us. It was very cute. We took some videos of them. There was one little boy who was very afraid of us and he was crying and clinging to his care givers, so we did not stay long in there either. Last we went to the preschool age kids 3 & 4 year olds. I posted some photos of us with this group. The one little girl in this group reminded me a bit of Liliya. I was immediately her mama, and she would not let go of me. The care giver had to pull her away from me and tell her I was Anya's mama not hers. This was also hard, so many of these kids need good families, and knowing we can only do so much and we can not ever fill all of the needs for those we will leave behind. Nadiya was still waiting for the court decree when we finished the tour, this was now after 10:30 so we decided to have the driver to take us and Anya to get something to eat while we waited. I am certain what the hold up at the court was all about but Nadiya was originally supposed to pick up the decree at 9am and this did not end up happening until almost 1pm. Then we went thru the same type of hurry up and wait process to get her birth certificate too. We spent too many hours sitting in a small taxi with too many bags waiting and wondering when we would move again. What was supposed to be one quick stop at one office ended up being four long stops at three different offices in which we would take one piece of paper from each place to the other to get either a signature or a stamp from someone. It was a difficult way to spend the afternoon to say the least. I would suggest to any of you families who are yet to travel, ask your facilitators to leave you in your apartment until this final signature is done and you are ready to travel to the regions capital for your passport! Or else bring lots of snacks, drinks, books to read and lots of patience! In our case the region capital was Donetsk, which is about 1 and a half hour drive for us from Mariupol. The office where we would pick up the passport was due to close at 5:00pm. By the time we were done securing the birth certificate and beginning our drive to Donetsk it was 4:30. Only because Nadiya knows people who work in this office was she able to call ahead and ask them to please wait for us. We asked our taxi driver to drive as fast as he could, and he did! We arrived in about 50 minutes. And at this point the driver would drop off Matt and Nadiya at the edge of the city to meet Nadiya's friend who lives in Donetsk, and because he knows the area better he would drive them to get the passport. Anya and I would go with the original driver to the train station and wait again. Not sure how it was done exactly or why it took so long, but thanks be to God we got the passport and made our train to Kiev. The train ride was very nice again, and we are thankful for that. We ordered dinner on the train and it was expensive but very good. Anya and Nadiya shared a compartment and Matt and I had the one next to them. I was very happy to see Anya had put on her little "traveling suit" I bought for her. I wanted her to have something comfortable to wear, and she was not thrilled about it when I gave it to her a few weeks back, but she wore it and it fit and this for some strange reason made me very happy. She behaved fairly well on the train too, we were worried because her moods had been so up and down the last few days, but she seemed happy. She was a little hyper and loud but happy. I felt a little worried for Nadiya having to bunk with her all night, and assured her she could send Anya over if she was too obnoxious, I felt a little guilty too like she was taking care of our kid for us and we should have her with us. Anya would come into our compartment from time to time to "check in", then go back to hers. Nadiya reported later that is was fun like being a teenager again having a slumber party. She also thought this was good for Anya to have this time with her. she said Anya and her talked a lot about what to expect the next few days and some of her fears about coming to America, and many of her emotions about leaving Mariupol. This was helpful for me and took the guilt I was feeling away. We were met at the train station on Wednesday morning by Sergei our driver. We would go directly to the medical center to get Anya's exam done for the visa. This too was a long time sitting and waiting we arrived at 7:40 and were not finished until about 10:30. The only thing that bothered me about this appointment was that we were given no choice about getting Anya's vaccinations. Apparently she was missing two of them, and if the child is over 10 years of age they will not allow you to wait until they are in US to get the shots required. I was nervous about quality of Ukraine's vaccines, but we were told if we refused her Visa would not be granted, so we signed and Anya got the shots. We would then go to the Embassy to get visa application forms and schedule our appointment for Thursday. We had no issues at the Embassy it went fairly smoothly. It took a little longer than some families just because of Anya's age and this requiring fingerprints and background check for her. But we had a nice lady who helped us out by doing Anya's fingerprints at the same time when we picked up forms which she did not "have"to do until the next day, and she also did all of he data entry when she was supposed to be on her break for lunch already, and this assured us that Anya's background check would be back the next day and we could finish up the process by 2PM on Thursday. It is so nice when you get a helpful person on the other end of things, it can make all the difference. We had a little time before we had to go back at 3:00 and pick up our medical results for the Embassy so we would try to go to work on getting our plane tickets home. (We had been told by Valentin to wait and not purchase our tickets until we were sure about time frame from Embassy on Anya's visa because sometimes with older children these background checks can take a few extra days)Matt wrote about this some already so I won't go into detail, but it was not working well at this point and we were not going home any time soon and we were going pay a lot more than we wanted to. So we decided we would hold off and try contacting Orbits or United directly from the apartment later on when we had access to the Internet. So all of us are starving by this time and we decide to go to McDonald's. Mariupol does not have McDonald's and we have been looking forward to it for several days now. We ate our food and it was really good, then I made a very embarrassing mistake this day when I decided I needed to use the bathroom( which I now will not do in public places until we are out of Ukraine) I went into the restroom and a lady in there said something to me in Ukrainian, and motioned towards the one toilet stall, of course I did not understand her and assumed she was telling me the toilet was open. So I went in locked the door and did my thing them tried to unlock and open the door, and it is stuck! I try turning this thing every way, pushing, pulling, pressing up, down, nothing works it just keeps clicking. ( I think now that the lady was telling me it was broken, not to use the lock, you would think they would post a sign or something warning people, not that this would help as I could not read it either but still! ) So I get out my phone and call Nadiya, no answer goes straight to her machine, either her phone is dead or she is on it. I try the lock some more, no luck. By this time there are many angry people in knocking and yelling at me in Ukrainian again, because I have been in here a really long time and there is a long line waiting. I begin knocking on the door and yelling back in English that I can not get out and I can not understand them, of course they can not understand me so this is not helping. I try Nadiya again, no luck. Now for those of you who are thinking why am I not crawling under the stall to get out, let me explain, this door is nothing like an American McDonald's restroom door. This thing is thick solid metal, from floor to ceiling with a tiny little window way at the top about 7 foot high, I can not even see out of it let alone crawl out of it. This is Ukraine, remember! So back to trying to call for help, I think about calling Sergei, as I now assume Nadiya's cell phone is dead, which it was) then I think I better not call him with his limited English, how will I explain this to him? So I decide the only thing left is to call Valentin. This is so embarrassing, Valentin is probably at home enjoying his time with his family and his stupid American has to call to get him to help her out of a bathroom! So I say to him Valentin this is Aimee, Please excuse me for bothering you and sorry this may be the strangest calls you ever receive, but I am in the McDonald's locked in the bathroom stall and Nadiya is not answering her phone and I can not get out. Can you call Sergei and ask him to go in and send Nadiya up to get me out? Valentin was very kind, he did not laugh, and you know he wanted to, he just said yes of course I will call him. By the time this call ended one of the angry Ukrainians who want to use the bathroom had apparently figured out I was stuck and notified the manager who showed up with key to unlock the door, Why is there a key lock on the outside of a toilet stall door? It is Ukraine, remember! Nadiya walked into the restroom just after the manager let me out, so now there is Nadiya, the manager and about 9 other customers standing here when I come out and I just wanted to die from embarrassment! After this we head back to the medical center and pick up Anya's paperwork then to wait to meet our apartment owner to get our keys. It is a nice place and we now have working Internet, I won't go into details about this because Matt already wrote about it. But I did post some pictures of it for you to see. We spend the rest of the evening working with the Internet guy trying to get the computer working to search for tickets and also on the phone with airlines and the Barrett's who are also helping to search from the US for us-Thanks again Twyla and John! Thursday at 1pm Sergei picks us up to go to our Embassy appointment. The appointment went well, took a little longer than we expected about an hour and a half, more waiting around. But it was uneventful for the most part. And she got her Visa! When we got back to the car Valentin had showed up and was waiting with Sergei. He was wearing a Denver Broncos T-shirt in our honor. He then took us to the Swiss Air office again to try to help us get better ticket prices and maybe one that gets us home sooner than Wednesday. Him and Matt went in, Anya and I waited in the car with Sergei. I am getting really good at sitting and waiting in cars. Anyway after about an hour and a half, they come back and Valentin was great, he was able to get us all three home for only about $1,400. This includes the charges for changing Matt's and I tickets and Anya's flights all the way to Denver. That is the good news. The bad news is still no way for us to leave any sooner than Tuesday the 28th. And also Anya will have to fly from Chicago to Denver on a separate flight that leaves about 90 minutes behind Matt and I. There was only 1 ticket left on the later flight. So Matt & I have to leave earlier. Anya will need at least 2 hour layover in Chicago to get thru immigration and get all her paperwork processed. So unless we get some miracle worker immigration agent that can do this very fast, then we will make arrangements to have Anya escorted to her flight from immigration and we will meet her in Denver. If they get her thru fast enough then we will attempt to put her on the same flight with us. Many prayers for this will be appreciated, I am pretty nervous about this plan, but I know it was the only option available to us, they tried everything else first. For those of you wanting to meet us at the airport here is all info: Matt & I arrive in Denver from Chicago on Wednesday 29th at 8:11pm on United flight 253. Anya arrives at 9:30pm on United flight 959. Matt and I will go and attempt to pick up our baggage, then go back to the gate to meet Anya's plane. We ended our evening Thursday by dropping Valentin at the subway, where he would travel home and then going with Sergei to a Ukrainian restaurant for dinner, it was a really neat place, great views and atmosphere, good food, (all four of us ate a ton)and good prices too. After dinner we stopped at a supermarket for a few essentials for the apartment, then home watch movies and sleep. Today we did not do much. Some laundry and emails this morning and went out for lunch and a little sight seeing. It was cold and I was emotionally worn out and not doing well. So we ended up back at the apartment sooner than later and watched Sleepless in Seattle and vegged out for a while. We are hoping to get up earlier tomorrow and get to go to more of the places we would like for Anya to see. The weather is not supposed to be very nice again rain and cold, but maybe it will turn out to be a better day.